


Zero to Sixty

by scrubmarine



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Episode: s01e16 Rogue Time, Kidnapping, M/M, Police Officer Iris West, Pre-Relationship, Secret Identity, Tumblr: coldflashweek, barry allen is a bisexual disaster, weather wizard single-handedly ruins the flash's dating life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-04-24 04:31:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrubmarine/pseuds/scrubmarine
Summary: “This is it, this is the day I die.” Barry says, hands on either side of his face. “Iris is gonna kill me, then Joe and Captain Singh are gonna bring me back to life, just to kill me again.” Cisco is never gonna let him hear the end of this.“Oh don't be so dramatic, Bartholomew.” Snart says with a grin.---In which Barry makes a terrible, no good mistake.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wondercap](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wondercap/gifts).



> for wondercap bc boy oh boy ur the best beta, there would be no fic without u 
> 
> For #coldflashweeks2018 on tumblr- I wanted to participate but haven't finished anything bc school so have most of the first chapter of a wip!!
> 
> au prompt: "You were chased by the cops, got in my car and just yelled 'drive!'"

This whole mess started because Iris took his disinterested maybe and turned it into a firm yes in the form of repeated blind dates. After the fifth one - the third blind date to be crashed by Weather Wizard wrecking havoc - Barry had decided enough was enough, it was time to initiate plan B.

Avoid Iris.

To be fair, she would probably stop if he actually gave her a fed-up no, but he felt awkward about it. Was it really the supervillains that were making his dates crash and burn, or just plain old Barry Allen? He didn’t want to sit through any excuses and platitudes she would undoubtedly throw at him if he voiced his concern, so, avoidance was key.

He’d spent an entire week successfully avoiding her, so of course he’d dropped his guard long enough to get coffee. Besides, Patty was usually the one on coffee runs.

Barry hadn’t accounted on her waiting in the cruiser, though.

Or on panicking so much when she spotted him- flashing the cruiser’s lights to get his attention- that he jumped straight into a stranger’s car to hide.

A car that just so happens to belong to Captain Cold, as it turns out.

Yeah, he's definitely blaming Iris for this one.

Cold shoots him a glance, car slowly rolling forward as the lights turn green. “Did you really just say drive? what is this, an action movie?”

Barry swallows, had he really said that? Unbelievable. “Look, clearly I'm not thinking straight if I'm jumping into random strangers cars, okay? Just pull over, and we can forget this ever happened.” The sooner he was away from Cold and his...surprisingly normal outfit the better. 

“Not a chance kid,” Cold replied with a smirk, eyes trained on the rearview mirror, as he takes a sharp turn. 

“What - Ohmygod.” Barry says as he turns in his seat and yep, that's definitely Iris following them. Great. How is he going to get out of this?

“Seatbelt.” Cold says as he takes another sharp turn- and Iris blares her sirens.

Barry doesn't argue. Even if he can heal, a crash at 60mph will hurt a lot less if he doesn't go through the windscreen. Buckling his seatbelt, Barry shrinks down in his seat. He can't believe Iris is taking it this far, granted he did jump in a stranger's car just to avoid her, but still.

“Going by your lack of complaint, you know who I am.”

“You're Captain Cold.”

Cold grins and Barry barely suppresses an eyeroll, he should've called him by his real name like Joe does.

“That I am kid, the name's Snart. Mind telling me why you've put a cop on my tail? You're obviously not on the run.”

“I could be!” And why is he offended by that? God Snart gets under his skin. Snart shoots him an flat look and, yeah okay. Barry pressed his hands to his face and sighs. “She's my sister.”

“Ouch, kid. What'd you do?” Why is Captain Cold even asking him this, oh my god what is even Barry's life. For a moment Barry just stares at him, taking in the smooth profile of his face; the smug smirk that is far too amused for a car chase, the beginnings of a five o'clock shadow (is it really that late?) and his cool, calculating eyes that are probably the bluest Barry's ever seen and wow, the man is much prettier when he's not trying to kill the Flash and whoa, Barry focus. Cold shoots him a sidelong glance, studying his face for what feels like an age but is realistically probably only two seconds and yeah, sometimes having super speed sucks.

Feeling the heat rise to his cheeks in embarrassment Barry turns his eyes to the road and folds his arms. “Will you stop calling me a kid already? I'm 26, not 12!” 

Cold shoots him another glance and smirks. “Sure, scarlet.” Oh no, that should not do what it does. Barry really needs to get out of here before he does something stupid, like give himself away as the Flash or blurt out how hot Snart's smirk is - honestly he's not sure which would be worse.

Iris is still behind them, despite Snart's attempt to lose her. Iris is a great cop, and an excellent driver, and she's way past the point of trying to catch Barry, what with how many road rules Snart's broken by now. This could get ugly. 

“Look, just slow down enough for me to jump out. Iris will be too concerned about me to follow you, and all you'd have to do is ditch the car, problem solved, we can all go home. Deal?” Please say yes, please say yes.

“No deal.” And great, just great. “I've been out of town and I don't need the cops to know I'm back until I'm ready for them to know, got it? I don't know you, and I don't trust you not to run that pretty little mouth of yours, so you're stuck with me until I say otherwise, kid.” Snart’s hand twitches and the car doors lock. Barry could kick himself, why did he think they were locked already? This wasn’t the kind of car that had auto-locks.

“Wh- are you kidnapping me?!” Now is not the time to focus on the fact that Leonard Snart just called him pretty, but boy is his bi ass coming back to analyse that one later.

“Looks that way,” Snart replies at the same time Barry's phone rings.

Quicker than Snart can react, and probably quicker than Barry should've been, really -what's the point of having a secret identity if he just accidentally reveals it to his nemesis of all people- Barry answers the phone. All he hears is a “BARTHOLOMEW HENRY ALLEN” before the phone is snatched from his hand and Snart's smirking at him with one eye on the road and one eye on Barry's rapidly panicking face.

“Snart, don-”

Snart chucks the phone out the window, and to make matters worse, he totally sends a triumphant glance into the rear view. Iris looks pissed and from Snart's smug smirk that only makes him even more satisfied at the action. 

“This is it, this is the day I die.” Barry says, hands on either side of his face. “Iris is gonna kill me, then Joe and Captain Singh are gonna bring me back to life, just to kill me again.” Cisco is never gonna let him hear the end of this.

“Oh don't be so dramatic, Bartholomew.” Snart says with a grin, gunning the engine and cutting across oncoming traffic in a very illegal, but very efficient, U-turn. Behind them Iris slams on the breaks, unable to copy the maneuver without endangering civilians. As she rapidly vanishes into the distance, Barry sees her getting out of the car, fuming. Snart sees it too and barks out a laugh, the man is having far too much fun on what happens to be the worst day of Barry's life. Not only did he get kidnapped by Captain Cold- who doesn't know he's the Flash- but now the man knows his name.

“It's Barry,” Barry mumbles, lacking any other options. 

It's gonna be a long day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The semester is finally over so i have time to write now!!
> 
> This is just a filler chapter tho, as I only have 500 words of the next bit and haven't gotten around to working on it yet. But I'll get there! Probably!!
> 
> In the meantime here's the first chapter in Iris's POV cos i don't wanna leave you guys waiting even longer. It's may not be great, but it's something!
> 
> Thanks for all the comments tho guys!!

Iris has had a long week. 

At least that's what it feels like, what with her best friend avoiding her. She doesn't understand how Barry could just give up on dating - sure he had a few bad dates, Iris had been there; it's an occupational hazard when you work for the police and/or are a vigilante superhero, but that doesn't mean he should just give up! Besides, he and Linda could've been perfect, she even figured out he was the Flash after Mark Mardon crashed their date (for the second time), which honestly was a plus and would've made the whole dating thing a  _ lot  _ easier. But no, Barry had to go the stereotypical hero "I can't voluntarily put her or anyone else in danger" schtick. He had tried to pull that one when Iris wanted to get involved with Flash business, but she’d shut him down asap. Isolating people in order to protect them never works, it's statistically proven to make things worse - or it should be anyway.

Seriously though, avoiding her over something like this? It's a wonder Iris hasn't strained an eyeball with the amount of times she's rolled them this week. Sometimes it's hard to remember that they're 26 when one of them pulls something like this. At least it's not the typical West silent treatment, so he's not actually mad at her. 

Iris doesn’t mean to push, really. It's just that Barry deserves to be happy, he deserves to live a normal life after everything he's been through. For God's sake he was in a  _ coma _ for  _ nine months _ , he could've  _ died _ . Isn't that a sign that he should leap into life at its fullest? and not in the illegal super-powered vigilante way. Yeah, Iris still isn't (heh) super sold on the idea, but she's a lot more comfortable with it now that both she and her dad are involved. They've only been keeping Barry out of trouble for 15 years, what's superpowers got against them?

Well, in the current situation it's more Superpowers 1 and Iris 0, considering she's hardly seen hide nor hair of her best friend sans a red blur speeding past. Honestly Barry's lucky that she doesn't care that much or she would've camped out in his apartment. Iris would have liked to see him avoid her then, ha! 

The point is it's all Barry's fault. He's the one who's been avoiding her instead of actually talking to her like an adult, so of course Iris gave into the childish urge to flash her police lights when she finally spotted him. Maybe she should've gone with the surprise approach, but Patty was grabbing their order from Jitters so it wasn’t like she could tell her off for inappropriate use of police property. And well, maybe Iris is a little mad that he’s been avoiding her for so long. 

Iris hadn’t exactly been expecting Barry to literally jump into a stranger's car to avoid her, though. Like who does that? The obvious answer being her ridiculous best friend. 

Making a split-second decision, Iris pulls the cruiser out of park - the day has been slow on the crime front and it’s almost over, Patty will surely forgive her for driving off. Her partner had been finding the whole situation hilarious, especially with how Joe’s been trying to stay out of it- lest Iris try to set him up too. 

She’s been following the car for no-more than two minutes before it takes a sudden sharp turn. Iris frowns, shouldn’t Barry be getting the driver to pull over by now? The car is gaining speed, too, and it’s practically peak hour, with more than enough cars on the road to cause a serious accident if they’re not careful. Her hand hovers over the siren switch just as the car takes another sharp turn. Iris slaps it and follows, hoping against hope that the driver’s just spooked.

If anything, the car just speeds up. Iris scowls.

After a few more sharp and increasingly hazardous turns, Iris fumbles for her phone, wishing she hadn’t left Patty behind. She could use the PA system but it’s unlikely the driver would listen, so her best bet is to contact Barry directly. 

The phone only gets through two rings before it’s picked up. Iris distantly registers that he probably used a bit of speed to answer- the idiot- but she’s too busy snapping his full name and asking what the hell is going on to really take notice.

There’s a short muffled response that Iris can’t make out before she watches, stunned, as Barry’s phone is launched out the driver’s side window, narrowly missing an oncoming car. 

What the hell.

Then she’s slamming on the breaks unable to follow as the car cuts into oncoming traffic. Iris gets out in frustration, slamming her door and watching as the car and her best-friend quickly disappear out of sight. 

...had Barry just been kidnapped?

Once Iris calms down enough to get back into her car and stop blocking traffic, she puts in the license plate number. It comes back clean, the car hasn't been reported stolen, and there's no active warrant for the owner- except for the small detail of the car belonging to one Leonard Wynters, which is almost certainly a cover for Leonard Snart, god damnit. 

Barry had undoubtably just gotten himself kidnapped by Captain Cold. 

Sighing Iris pulls out her phone and dials Cisco. 

“You are never gonna believe the situation Barry just got himself into,” Iris says somewhat gleefully. Sure, Barry’s been sort-of kidnapped, but Captain Cold isn’t exactly the worst bad guy they’ve come across lately. Besides, they’ll find him, they always do, so in the meantime it doesn’t exactly hurt to make fun of him.

  
After all, it  _ was _ Barry’s fault.


	3. Chapter 3

Snart drives them through so many back alleys and laneways that Barry quickly loses track of where they are, definitely some place downtown, but nowhere his route had taken him before. 

They pull into a short driveway, and Snart gets out to manually open the garage door. Barry could take this chance to speed away, but he can't. He has to find out what Snart is up to, and the man has already seen his face and gotten his name - his secret identity would be blown wide open in an instant. 

So he stays put. 

Snart shoots him an odd look as he gets back into the car and parks it out of sight. Snart gets out again and closes the door behind them. Barry doesn't move from his seat, not even undoing his seatbelt, half hoping Snart will suddenly forget about his hostage so Barry can go home.

He squeezes his eyes shut when Snart opens his door.

“Out.”

“Can I refuse?” Barry says weakly, refusing to open his eyes. If he couldn’t see him, then Snart couldn’t see him either, right? 

There’s a huff of amusement, before the air in front of him is disturbed and Barry opens his eyes in alarm. Snart is even prettier up close,  _ way _ up close. His eyelashes are long and thin, and at the unavoidable hitch in Barry’s breathing, open to reveal eyes as blue as ice. Barry can’t help but stare. Snart tilts his head, mouth stretching up in a smirk. He winks.

The click of the seatbelt jolts Barry out of it.  _ Cheating _ , Leonard Snart was a cheating cheater God damn it.

Barry’s sure he’s flushing a decent shade of pink but he doesn’t care. Suddenly he needs to get out of the car, needs to put some distance between him and his  _ nemesis _ before he does something stupid. 

Barry scrambles out of the car in an instant, slow enough to keep his powers in check, but fast enough to follow the sudden, intense need. Cold doesn’t get out of the way fast enough and their bodies brush, the feel of solid muscle is not one Barry’s going to forget any time soon.

“Okay! Uh, any chance you’re going to let me go soon?”

Snart doesn’t even look at him just shuts the car door,  _ locks it _ and walks out of the garage. Barry’s mouth may drop open a fraction, he was more of a dick as a kind-of-kidnapper than a villain.

Sighing, Barry spares one last glance at the closed garage door before reluctantly following the man inside. 

What he needed was a plan. The trouble was, Iris was always the one coming up with good solid plans - as evidenced by the total disaster Barry had fallen into now. Iris never would have let it get this far, then again, Iris also would have pulled out the cold shoulder for a few days instead of pure avoidance for a week - she took after Joe that way.

Snart steps aside once they walk through the door leading into the house, pushing Barry slightly until he takes the lead. At Snart's backseat steering, Barry makes his way past several closed doors and what he suspects is a bathroom until he reaches some kind of dining room attached to a kitchen, complete with hungry occupants. He stops abruptly as the woman closest to him turns fast, gun in hand and aimed directly at him. She falters though, when her eyes catch on Snart behind him, and she lowers the gun slightly.

“Jesus, Lenny, I could’ve shot you!”

“Shot who?” A voice mumbles from the kitchen, shortly accompanied by a shaved head and then a broad chest as Mick Rory-and was that an apron?- leaned around the corner from where they stood, just out of sight.

“You have better reflexes than that, sister-mine.” Snart responds and wait- Captain Cold has a  _ sister _ ? How did they miss that piece of information? “It’s just me, Mick.”

“Compliments will get you everywhere, jerk.” Sister-Cold says, finally lowering her gun and putting it away, clearly deeming Barry as a non-threat. He’s not sure whether he’s insulted or not, but he’s no longer in danger of being shot so Barry will take what he can get.

“Trainwreck.” Snart fires back, fond, before pushing Barry further into the room. He pulls out a chair and gives Barry a look. 

Barry sits, but let the record show he wasn’t happy about it.

“When’d you get back and who’s the kid?” Rory questions, leaning against the bench and crossing his arms. He’s holding a wooden spoon and his apron says kiss the cook. Barry’s pretty sure he’s crossed over into an alternate universe.

“Just now.” A hand grabs Barry’s wrist and he jumps before scowling as Snart ties his hands behind the chair with rope he pulled out of nowhere. “This is Barry. Barry I’m sure you know who Mick is.”

“Heatwave,” Barry mutters and both men grin. Cisco never should’ve given them names, it just encourages them.

“And I’m Lisa,” Lisa says with a wink. “The girl without a supervillain name  _ or _ a cool gun,” she aims that last part at Snart, along with a pout.

“Only one of us has a _cool_ gun,” he shoots back, “not my fault you weren’t in town, sis. Besides, there were only two guns for Nurblin to steal.”

“Not like it matters now,” Rory adds, “what with the guns in custody.” 

Barry had actually forgotten about that. Their last battle had ended with the guns crossing streams -and boy had that hurt. With both guns disabled Cisco had taken them into custody, where they had remained ever since, despite the villains prison transport breakout three months ago.

“We'll get them back soon enough.” Snart says and Barry doesn't like the sound of that, not one bit. “Maybe nab something extra on the side.”

Lisa beams, “that's more like it.”

Cold finishes tying his wrists, and Barry winces as he tests the bonds. They're tight, rough rope already chafing against his skin, but if he doesn't move it's fine. They'll be difficult to get out of that's for sure. Snart pats him on the shoulder at his obvious discomfort and smirks when Barry glares at him.

“So he's cute and all, but why is the kid here? Bit young for your taste, Lenny.” Lisa steps closer, scrutinising. Barry eyes her wearily, cheeks dusting with pink at the insinuation and a small frown alighting his face.

“Why does everybody keep calling me kid? I'm 26.”

“Sure you are, babyface.”

“Bartholomew Henry Allen,” Cold drawls and Barry freezes but the man takes no notice, “born March 14, 1989, guess he's telling the truth.” His wallet. Somewhere along the way Snart found the time to pick his pocket. Of course he did.

“When did you even-” Barry starts but stops as Cold raises an eyebrow. It comes to Barry then, his flurry out of the car, brushing right up against Snart. It would've been ample opportunity for someone as light fingered as the thief in front of him. Snart taps the card against the wallet a few times and purses his lips in further perusal, almost certainly memorising Barry's address. Then he holds Barry's ID up, comparing the piece of plastic with the real thing.

“Doesn't do you justice, Scarlet.” He says before putting the card back. Barry's blush gets even darker because how is he supposed to respond to  _ that. _

“We...ran into each other, so to speak.” Snart says, finally answering Lisa's question. At least the villain is saving Barry some embarrassment from the true story. “He recognised me. Couldn't have word hitting the street before we're ready, least of all the CCPD.”

“He's a  _ cop _ ?!” The two roar, outraged. Mick takes a breath before stomping back into the kitchen, muttering angrily under his breath. Barry catches “fucking snarts...drama queens” and “...wish he stayed in Tulsa” before the clattering of pots and pans makes it impossible to hear.

“Seriously Lenny, you brought a cop  _ here _ ? Why didn't you just off him?” Barry winces, somehow he'd forgotten that was an option, even tied to a chair the way he was.

“No time,” Snart drawls back, demeanor calm. “Besides, he could prove...handy.”

_ Not a chance _ , Barry thinks, before opening his mouth. “I'm not a cop, actually.” Both Snart's turn to look at him and maybe he shouldn't have said anything after all. Snart already knows his name, birthday, and address- Barry really shouldn't be giving him anymore personal information. Would he be able to get out of this with his secret identity intact and the life of Barry Allen no worse for wear? Reply hazy, try again later.

“You mentioned Captain Singh bringing you back to life just to kill you, as I recall.” Snart drawls, placing one hand on the back of the chair and leaning into Barry's face, so they're eye to eye. “Don't lie to me,  _ Barry _ .”

Barry swallows harshly, mouth suddenly dry. He's been face to face with Snart before, but not like this. Not this close, not with him knowing his name, not with him  _ saying _ his name like that. It's supposed to be threatening, and it is, but not quite in the way Snart intends.

Barry doesn't have time to examine this newfound attraction to his nemesis, he needs to find out what Snart is planning and get  _ out  _ before Snart finds out who he really is, or before he decides to kill him and be done with it. Snart's killed before, hell he derailed an entire train- nothing's stopping him from killing the idiot who jumped into his car. But if he thinks Barry has some kind of use... maybe his chances of finding out the plan and getting out intact will rise from unlikely to probably maybe.

“Jesus, Cold, are you always this intense? I’m not lying!” Barry says summoning a pinch of bravado.Behind her brother’s back Lisa rolls her eyes at the alias. Snart doesn't blink, but the corner of his mouth twitches in amusement. Barry's eyes might linger on that for just a second too long before meeting Snart's narrowed gaze. “I'm not a cop, I'm a CSI.” 

“Like that's better!” Lisa exclaims, throwing her hands up. 

Snart holds his gaze for a moment longer, eyes scanning for a tell, for some kind of evidence he's lying. Barry unhelpfully fails to mention proof in the form of his work ID buried in his front pocket. Like hell he's giving Captain Cold easy access to evidence and besides, those were a bitch to replace- superspeed does not take kindly to rubber shoes or laminate, it turns out. Finally, Snart nods.

“Like I said, useful.”

“I'm not helping you with whatever you're planning,” Barry frowns. What would they need a CSI for? “It's not too late for you to let me go, I won't tell anybody you're back in town.” It's not exactly a lie, Iris has doubtless figured it out already somehow and told the team.

“Don't believe you, Barry.”

“Then believe me when I say I'm not going to co-operate.”

“Of that I have little doubt,” Snart says with a smirk, “but you will.”

“Kid has guts, I'll give him that.” Mick says as he re-enters the room with a large cooking pot, putting a halt to Barry's indignant reply. Whatever it is smells heavenly and Barry's stomach growls in response, a reminder that he hasn't eaten since breakfast. 

“I don't like this Snart, working with a pig, even a hostage one at that.”

“Have a little faith, Mick. When have you known me to fuck up the plan?”

Mick just stares at him for a long minute, before bursting into laughter. 

Snart frowns at him. Barry’s eyes flick from one to the other, wary. This wasn't exactly the kind of behaviour he'd seen when fighting them on the street, he wasn't sure what to expect. 

“You're a riot, Snart.” Rory says finally, wiping a tear from his eye.

“Really, Mick?” Snart says irritably, with a glance Barry's way. 

“Really.” Mick replies, before heading back into the kitchen. He returns with three bowls, and begins serving himself. Lisa follows suit.

Barry stares longingly at the pot, it smells incredible and his stomach gives another grumble. A quiet sigh to his left calls his attention back to Captain Cold just in time to watch the man crouch in front of him. Barry tries not to think how it’s a good look. He scowls though, when Snart pulls out more rope from nowhere.

“Is this really necessary?” Barry says as Snart begins binding his feet. Snart doesn’t answer, just raises an eyebrow in response, and finishes his work. Then he pulls out a knife.

“What-” Barry starts, tensing as the man circles round behind him. The next thing he knows his hands are free and a steaming bowl is being shoved into his hands by Lisa. “What.” Barry says again, surprised.

“It’s five alarm chilli,” Snart says with a smirk, walking to the kitchen and grabbing another bowl. “Mick’s specialty.”

“Oh,” Barry stares at him for a long moment before turning back towards his bowl, “of course it is.” Well, Barry thinks, if Cold and his crew don’t kill him then the puns definitely will. 

At least he won’t die hungry.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao sorry for the wait, I wrote most of it in two days and then just got stuck...  
> Shout out to my beta and also she's the reason Snart has apparently been in Tulsa for the three months following Revenge of the Rogues, so you're welcome.
> 
> Not much of this is planned, I only have a vague idea of where to go from here so if you wanna suggest anything feel free!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Cisco panics and Caitlin's as cool as a cucumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is mostly dialogue and rubbish but! an update!!  
> Writing is hard guys.

Cisco huffs loudly and bangs a hand against his desk- dammit, there was no sign of Barry here either.

“Still nothing?” Caitlin groans from across the lab.

“Nothing is trying to find a needle in a haystack, this? This is trying to find a microbe without a microscope!”

Barry had been missing for five hours. Thanks to Iris they had a lead, but a white volvo and an obvious alias weren't much to go on. What kind of criminal used themed alias’s anyway? It was like he _wanted_ to be found, and they _should_ have found him by now- except there weren't any tracks to trace, all signs of the car cease to exist within a mile of where Iris lost it. There should be some trace on traffic and street cameras but there's nothing at all. Barry didn't have his suit, they couldn't track him through his powers without him giving himself away as The Flash and Cisco still hadn't gotten around to inputting the panic button into Barry's phone.

“This. Is. Useless.” Cisco says, thumping his head against the desk with each word. A hand cushions the impact suddenly and he tilts his head to the side to find Caitlin with a worried smile.

“It's not useless. We may not have found him yet, but we will.” Caitlin says with a determined nod, slowly raising Cisco’s head until he's sitting up. “You know Barry, and he knows us. He'll use his powers eventually and when he does we’ll be able to track it.”

“But Cold-”

“Doesn't know he’s The Flash. Snart can't keep an eye on him forever, Cisco. Barry will take the chance when the opportunity presents itself and when it does we'll find him, or at least narrow down his location.”

“How are you so calm about this? Barry literally jumped into his clutches-”

“Unknowingly.”

“-Unknowingly jumped into his clutches- he could be being tortured for all we know! Snart is a bad guy with a capital B. Last time we encountered him he literally tied you to a bomb!”

“I remember.” Caitlin says wryly. “But that was because I was connected to The Flash, as far as Snart knows Barry’s just a civilian- even if he is connected to the CCPD, he doesn't have anything to do with the superhero.”

“He's a supervillain who doesn't care about collateral damage! “

“Think about it Cisco, everything he’s done so far has been calculated- from his heists to the Flash. He's not a cop killer, and he’s certainly not dumb enough to bring the whole might of the CCPD down on him because of one mistaken car hop.”

“I hate when you’re right.” Cisco says with a scowl.

“I’m always right.” Caitlin winks, drawing a slight smile out of Cisco, the first since he’d stormed out of his brother’s party earlier that day.

“More like once in a blue moon.”

“I heard that!” Caitlin says scrunching up some spare paper and throwing it in his direction, Cisco squawks as it nails him directly in the face. “Anyway, it’s late. There’s not much else we can do tonight but wait. So I suggest we both head home and at least _try_ to get some sleep.”

“You sure you don’t just wanna get pizza and have a movie marathon instead?” Cisco asks, hopeful, doubting his ability to sleep with Barry still out there.

“Unlike you some of us need a full 8 hours to function.” Caitlin says wryly before nodding her head to the door, “come on, I’ll give you a lift home.”

Cisco shuffles some papers on his desk. “Actually, I might walk it. Take a breather, release some stress, right?”

She hesitates. “You sure?”

“Yeah, yeah” he waves her off, “fresh air will do me some good. Drive safe.”

“Alright. Text me when you're home.”

With that she’s out the door and Cisco let’s out a sigh, wearily rubbing his eyes. It had been a long day, first with Dante being his usual jerk-off self, then with Barry being kidnapped. Not to mention there had been a weird sensation in his chest all day...it was probably just indigestion and nothing to bother Cailin about.

Usually Flash business was a highlight but it sure had its downs sometimes, and encounters with Cold were never the greatest. Each time the villain came around guilt gnawed at Cisco’s insides, if only he’d never made that stupid gun- if only he hadn’t been stupid paranoid.  Everytime Cold killed with the gun it was on him, but at least this time around Cold was weaponless, both guns safely tucked away and disabled. Barry would be fine.

 

With that last thought repeating through his mind like a mantra, Cisco locked up and headed on his way. He’s only been walking for ten minutes when he hears voices up ahead.

“Hey girlie, what you doin’ out so late looking like that huh?”

“Leave me alone.”

“C’mon mama let us show you a good time.” A second voice to accompany the first, two men harassing a woman. Cisco swears under his breath and speeds up, palming his phone. He sees them a minute later in the shadow of a dim streetlight, both much bigger than Cisco. Great.

The woman's caught between them, light catching on her blonde hair. One of them reaches forward and grabs her wrist and Cisco ceases to think.

“Hey! Let her go!” He yells, darting forward, close enough for them to see him.

Both men pause and turn to look at him, and Cisco freezes.

“What was that, kid?” The man not holding her wrist steps forward threateningly and Cisco swallows before steeling his nerves.

“You heard me.” Barry wasn't here to save her, it was up to Cisco and Cisco alone. Subtly he hits a button on his phone and slides his other hand into his pocket before repeating himself. “Let her go.”

The man takes a few more steps forward, getting into Cisco's space. “Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it if we don't?” He sneers and his companion chuckles.

“Well,” Cisco says without a trace of fear, eyes sliding from the man in front of him to meet the woman’s eyes, surprisingly blue in the dim light. “This.” His hand flies up and the other man screams as Cisco gets him right in the eyes with a full blast of pepper spray. The woman takes advantage of the scene, wrenching her wrist out of the other man’s grasp and kicking him directly in the crotch with her heel.

Ouch. But well deserved.

Before the men can recover Cisco lifts his phone to his ear, “hello, police? I’d like to report an assault-”

“Fuck it let’s get out of here!” The pepper-sprayed man yells, blindly grabbing for his partner and the two stumble off, Cisco frowning after them.

“Thanks,” the woman says, smiling shakily at him. “I would’ve been in trouble if you hadn’t shown up.”

“You're not hurt are you?”

“No, no I'm fine, just a little shaken. I'm Lisa by the way.”

“Cisco,” he says shaking her hand. “I'm glad I was around to help.”

“Your a regular hero, Cisco.”

“It was nothing, really” Cisco says with a shrug, “anybody would’ve done the same.”

“You’d be surprised.”

“Wha-huh?” Cisco starts before his attention is brought back to the person on the other line. “No, Joe I’m fine. Just ran into a spot of bother is all, they’re gone now. No, no we haven’t found him yet, but we will. Yeah, just heading home now. Night, Joe. Try to get some sleep.”  

“Haven’t found who?”

Cisco grimaces, “a friend of ours went missing today, we’re all a little frantic trying to find him.”

“That’s terrible, maybe I can help, what’s he look like?

“Oh you know,” Cisco shrugs, “like your average...uh...superhero?”

Lisa raises an eyebrow.

“Peter Parker! He looks like Peter Parker.” _Nice save, Cisco._ “White, tall, brown hair, green eyes...your everyday average superhero.” He pauses and looks at her for a second, “You do know who Peter Parker is, right?”

“...Deadpool?”

Cisco stares at her in shock and disbelief, before Lisa’s serious expression cracks and she bursts into laughter.

“I’m just messing with you, Cisco. Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

Cisco’s expression slowly morphs into a grin, “damn girl, you got me.”

“So,” Lisa says, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “Your friend looks like a generic superhero?”

“Yup. He’s also moderately attractive but,” Cisco says pausing and gesturing to himself,   “not this attractive. He’s also like, stupid brave, a superhero all around really.”

“I think I’d remember seeing someone like that,” Lisa laughs, “sorry I’m no help.”

“Eh, it was a long shot anyway. I’m sure Barry’ll turn up eventually,” Cisco shrugs, remembering Caitlin’s faith in their friend.

“Barry?” Lisa winces and raises her brow, “not the best name, huh?”

“Better than Bartholomew, that’s for sure.”

“Ouch, and I thought my brother had it bad.”

They share a commiserating smile before Cisco checks the time on his watch. He’s definitely missed the bus by now.

“Are you sure you’re not hurt?” Cisco asks quietly.

“I’m fine, really. But-” She pauses and bites her lip, face scrunching up in hesitation, “I could really use a drink? And it sounds like maybe you could use one too?”

“Um.” Cisco blinks in surprise, “I-uh. Yeah.” He grins, tucking some hair behind his ear. “Yeah I could use a drink.”

“Great!” Lisa says with relief, “I’ll just text my brother that I’ll be home later than planned and then we can go.”

 

**To Lenny:** _Change of plans, ur nvr gonna believe who knos ur boytoy_

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mick gossips and Barry does a quiz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it's been like roughly four months but hey look, a chapter!!  
> Sorry, I lost motivation and then I started new projects in lieu of updating this, but hey I also graduated so there's that.  
> Anyway! This chapter is very much crack and ridiculous and also like 90% filler so enjoy.
> 
> As always shout out to my beta wondercap, and also to 0ayumi0 for the comment that got me working on this again!

By Barry’s estimate he’s been missing-presumed-kidnapped for four hours. Snart and his sister had left an hour ago, up to something no good, no doubt. Meanwhile Barry had been left- stomach full and limbs re-tied to his chair- in the company of none other than Mick Rory, kidnap-sitter extraordinaire. 

Barry had spent the better part of an hour trying to strike up a conversation, but Rory had just stared at him and contemplated his lighter until Barry shut-up. Now Barry’s hoping in the span of the last four hours he’s somehow developed super latent superpowers, the mind control kind. In order to test these latent powers he’s spent the last fifteen minutes staring at Rory intently thinking  _ ‘leave the room _ ’ and ‘ _ you really have to pee. _ ’

Unfortunately, Barry hasn’t actually developed latent mind control powers. Damn.

Barry sighs and throws his head back with a groan. Rory just raises an eyebrow at his antics, cracks open another beer, and flicks a page in the magazine he’s reading. It’s cover announces itself as  _ Crime Zone! _ \- a magazine that Barry has never heard of, and looks suspiciously like a secret criminal gossip mag, it promises the latest in dieting tips, just who was behind the latest theft at Central Museum and a quiz titled:

“Which Supervillain Is The One? You have  _ got _ to be kidding me.”

“There’s a quiz like that in every issue, kid.”

Barry just stares at him, speechless. Rory shifts under his gaze, before meeting his eyes sheepishly. “Lisa buys ‘em every week, Snart calls ‘em recon but between me an’ you he’s just after the fashion tips.”

Barry blinks, and clicks his previously gaping mouth shut. Earlier that morning Barry Allen would have laughed in the face of anyone even thinking that Mick Rory sharing gossipy secrets about Leonard Snart was in his future, powers of prediction or not, it was simply laughable.

Yet here he was, tied to a chair as Mick Rory told him Leonard Snart faked reconnaissance in order to read fashion tips from a criminal gossip mag. Unbelievable.

“Sometimes they’ve got recipes that are actually worth a damn,” Rory continues and flips another page before pausing. His eyes flick back up to meet Barry’s and he grins suddenly, wide and wild. “Wanna do the quiz?”

Barry slumps, as much as he could when tied to a chair anyway, and sighs. “Yeah alright.” 

“First question, are you heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual or asexual?”

“Does it really say all that?” Barry asks, surprised.

“Most fictional villains are queer-coded, and most real-world villains don’t give a damn ‘bout societal norms, s’ it makes sense a mag made by criminals for criminals would do the same, don’t ya think?” Rory says eloquently, albeit bluntly.

“Huh.” Barry had never thought about it, but put that way it did make sense. Rory was...not at all what Barry had expected. “I’m bi.” He’d figured that tidbit out when he was 13 years old and Oliver Queen started making the papers through his bad boy persona. Barry had developed the biggest crush on the planet right alongside Iris, and had come out so they could gush over his looks in solidarity while Joe rolled his eyes in the background and warned them that bad boys would only break their hearts. Joe was probably lucky that Iris had met Eddie at the academy and instantly fell, or who knows who she could’ve ended up with, occupation regardless.

Barry was  _ never _ telling Oliver that he was responsible for Barry’s bisexual crisis, and Iris could never meet him lest she’d tell him.

“Huh. Lenny’s pan, ‘n case you were wonderin’.”

“I’m sure I’ll keep it in mind, when I have him  _ arrested for kidnapping _ .”

And so Rory went on, asking Barry surprisingly in-depth questions for a quiz about supervillain soulmates. Barry was comfortable with his sexuality, but he really didn’t want to tell Mick Rory the answers to some of the questions he was asking. Like; ‘which supervillain do you think is the best in bed?’ Or ‘are you a top or a bottom?’ “I am  _ not _ answering that!” “bottom, it is.” And lets not forget: ‘ya got any kinks?’ “ _ oh my god _ , kill me now.” “We’ll go with maybe.”

“Alright kid,” Mick says finally, to Barry’s relief, “last question: what‘re your thoughts on th’ Flash?”

“Is that seriously the last question?” Barry asks with disbelief, “it doesn’t ask anything about other heroes.”

“It’s a Central mag, written, printed and published.” Central based, about supervillains, with tips on fashion and how to commit  _ crime _ \- honestly how had Barry never stumbled across this before? Cisco and Felicity were gonna get a kick out of this, and Oliver can never find out.

“Alright,” Barry rolls his eyes heavenward, “what are the options?”

“A. I’d kill him in a heartbeat, B. ‘S long as he stays out of my way, I don’t care, C. We have what you’d call an understanding, or D. Outside of our alter-ego’s, I’d like to think we’d get along.” Rory scoffs, “I don’t know anyone who’d pick D.”

“Me neither.” There was Bette, but she hadn’t actually had an alter-ego, and it wasn’t like she had blown stuff up because she wanted to. Come to think of it, no criminal matched C. either. Oliver could choose either of the two, Barry supposed, he was technically a criminal due to being a vigilante- not to mention the whole murderer thing- but nobody on his side liked to acknowledge that, Barry included. The quiz was more for real criminals, though, not technicalities who were actually trying to do something good. None of these really applied to him at all, considering that he  _ was _ the Flash. 

“Uh, C. I guess?”

“Not D?” Rory asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Well it’s not like I’m secretly a supervillain or have an alter-ego or something haha, that’d be ridiculous.” Smooth, Barry, real smooth. “I’m a cop! Technically. We get why the Flash does what he does, even if he’s uh...technically breaking the law. And it’s not like he spirits them away to who knows where! He leaves them at the station to be arrested...” Barry trails off as he realises what he just said, and  _ wow _ does he need Cisco to start working on something to block Meta-powers asap. It’s not right, what they’re doing, but it’s not like the police have the capability to deal with someone like Nimbus, at least not until Cisco throws something together. 

He really needs to talk to Cisco when he gets out of this. When, not if. Being a superhero sure does mess with your sense of self-preservation- he’s got powers and suddenly he’s invincible, even if he’s not. Right now Barry’s thankful for it though, pre-flash Barry would’ve hyperventilated himself into a panic attack three times by now.

“Makes sense.” Rory says, pulling Barry away from his thoughts. “Now lemme see...turn to page 52…” The man mumbles to himself. He carefully flicks through the pages before stopping on the right one and letting out a loud knee-slapping guffaw. Barry watches as the villainous arsonist comes completely undone before him. It goes on for at least a solid minute- which feels much longer, and much more awkward to someone with super-speed - and ends with Rory bent double, arms hugging his sides as if the man was trying to physically stop the laughter from escaping. There are tears in Rory’s eyes when he finally composes himself long enough to place the magazine in Barry’s lap.

Barry looks down at the page in front of him and immediately wishes two things: One, that he was literally anybody else but the Flash, and Two, that he had never agreed to do the stupid quiz. 

At least Mick Rory was the only person to witness this, and not Lisa, or Leonard, or  _ any _ of team Flash.

“Go on, read it.” Rory says, wiping a tear from his eye. Barry sighs defeated, and starts to read aloud.

“‘ _ You got Captain Cold! Infamous thief Leonard Snart made his debut on live television calling out Central’s hero and making a name for himself as a wannabe supervillain.’  _ You know what they don’t mention here is how the Flash stopped the Kahndaq Dynasty Diamond heist first, or how he saved the victims of the train derailing, or how you guys got  _ caught _ .”

“Snart’s image as th’ Captain only really gained traction after we kidnapped that pretty doctor and called ‘im out. Also, it’s a gossip mag, o’ course they leave out the negative.” Barry knows that, he’s just bitter.

“That ‘pretty doctor’ also happened to be my friend.” Barry says with a glare, Rory just shrugs in return. After another minute of glaring, Barry continues reading: “ _‘Though dangerous and dastardly handsome-’_ are you serious, he is _not_ that attractive ‘- _not much is known beyond his reputation for untraceable thefts and his penchant for themed-puns, but should you ever come face to face with the intrepid_ _Captain he’s sure to-’”_ Barry stopped. He lets out a loud frustrated huff and rolls his eyes before finishing _“‘-make your heart freeze!’”_

Rory is starting to crack up again, half at the ridiculous paragraph, half at Barry’s outrage. 

“It’s not even that funny,” Barry scowls.

“It is though. ‘Specially when knowing that less ‘an 1% of readers get ‘im as their ‘One.’”

Barry’s scowl deepens, but he can feel the telltale flush beginning to stain his cheeks. “It’s not.” He repeats stubbornly, and promptly tells Rory to shut up as his eyes sparkle with laughter.

“If it’s any consolation, I got Harleen Quinzel”

“I…don’t know who that is, actually.” 

“Oh. She’s hot, but a gothamite so.” Rory shrugs as if to say what-can-you-do.

“...Right” Barry says faintly as he makes a mental note to look into the villains of Gotham, just in case. He’s saved from anymore awkward conversations (or God forbid,  _ quizzes _ ) by the loud tinny ringing of Rory’s mobile phone. The sound cuts through whatever camaraderie has occurred in the past hour, and Rory snatches up the phone with a glare. Back to enemies it is, then.

“Boss?” Rory grunts into the phone, and then he grunts a few more times. Not for the first time Barry wishes he had enhanced hearing to go with his speed. It would certainly come in handy for situations just like this- not that Barry plans to be in more situations like this, but you never know.

“Ya sure ‘bout that, boss?” Rory says with a quick flick of his eyes in Barry’s direction. Barry gulps, whatever the phone call is about, it involves him. Maybe it’s time for him to be ‘useful’?

Or maybe Snart’s decided he’s no longer needed. Would he be able to recover from a bullet to the brain? He wasn’t so sure, and he certainly didn’t want to find out.

“Rory! Rory, come on man, don’t do this.” The words spill out of Barry’s mouth unbidden, as the man hangs up and starts towards Barry. He doesn’t stop, but the begging puts a savage grin on his face. “R-Mick! Mick, don’t- you don’t wanna kill me. Mick, come on.” He hasn’t gone for his gun yet, but the minute he does Barry has no choice but to use his powers, no choice but to give up his identity. 

“Sorry, kid.” Mick says coming to a stop in front of him, “but we’re needed elsewhere.” Then there’s a fist flying at his face and time slows down. Not a gun, a fist, Barry thinks rapidly. A knock-out punch. They don’t want him dead yet. He breathes out a sigh of relief and closes his eyes in order not to react at super-speed. 

He feels the impact and then nothing at all.


End file.
